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Suffolk University to Replace all Elevators with Fireman Poles & Ladders

Suffolk University Dean’s Office has announced that there will be a massive change to the school buildings. The heads of Suffolk have been aware of many students’ complaints about the incredibly long lines for the elevators. Particularly in Sawyer, students have missed whole three-hour class periods waiting for elevators.

When asked why students do not simply take the stairs, Ashley, a Junior Psychology major, explained that, “taking the stairs will make me breathe too heavily when I get to class.” These feelings reflected by Ashley seem to have been the consensus among other interviewed students, so the stairs remain unused, except for a very few students. One of these outliers, Christian, a Senior Public Relations major, confessed that he “likes to Snapchat himself taking the stairs because it makes people think I’m sporty and athletic when they watch my story. I only go up about one flight for the Snapchat and then I take an elevator from the third floor, but no one knows that.” Thankfully, the outrage that these slow and temperamental elevators have created has not fallen on deaf ears within the higher-ups of the university.

Within the emailed announcement was the news that every single elevator, “will now permanently not work instead of not working only 90% of the time.” In place of these inefficient old machines, Suffolk Maintenance will be installing firefighter poles. Students will now be able to slide directly from the twelfth floor of Sawyer all the way to the sub-basement in the blink of an eye. This new system will only require students to “grip the pole tighter to slow their descent when they reach the floor they wish to be on” according to one of the emails.

During an interview with an anonymous member from the Board of Trustees they said that they “were inspired by the efficiency and genius of firehouses and firepoles. This incredible, sleek, and cost-effective method of vertical motion is exactly what Suffolk university needs to propel it to the next level.”

Some students have voiced their concerns about injuries due the possibility of someone crashing into them at high speeds. Members of the university eased these fears with a follow-up email. Within this message, students were informed of the, “Fully-capable, knowledgeable, and qualified staff of the Health and Wellness Center who are prepared to administer bandages and ice-packs for any accident. Students should not worry about another student landing on top of them as long as everyone is paying attention and not texting while sliding. We urge students to be careful and aware when using the poles.” At the bottom of this email was a hyperlink to purchase health-insurance through Suffolk university.

Not only will Suffolk be installing firepoles, they will also be installing ladders. In a shocking third email just sent out earlier this morning, Suffolk has confirmed that, “ladders will now be the main method of getting to the upper floors. As long as students are not texting and climbing, ladders will allow free access to any floor of the building whenever.” Early reports say that students are in favor of ladders. Ryan, a Sophomore Math major and player on the basketball team, says that the “ladders will increase mobility across the school floors exponentially. Whole minutes will be shaved off the commute to class, and when that is multiplied by number of classes, days, and floors traveled, the time saved is fractional.”

A cost analysis of this new system shows that it will save the school tens of thousands of dollars in electricity and maintenance costs. They did however, mention an “increase in tuition due to the rising prices of being in Boston” in this third email set to take effect in the fall. The installation is set to begin as early as this Monday and is projected to be completed by December 2020. Until it is complete, faculty told students, “good luck getting to class on time now, suckers.”

Happy April Fool’s Day from The Suffolk Voice!

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