Suffolk Professor Actually Three Kindergarteners Standing on Top of Each Other in a Trench Coat
Scandal shook Suffolk University last week when one of its full-time faculty was revealed as a fraud. On Friday, a Suffolk sophomore majoring in chemistry alerted university officials when she suspected her professor was actually three kindergarteners standing on top of each other in a trench coat. The suspicions arose after taking her midterm exam, which was found to be completely nonsensical. One question asked students whether Spiderman could beat up Optimus Prime.
“Obviously, we should have noticed something was wrong. We don’t cover Spiderman-level chemistry until our senior year courses,” said the head of the chemistry department.
The chemistry professor, known as Vincent to his pupils, was quite popular. Many students found him approachable, as he would often demonstrate his ability to do a somersault and showed them a drawing he made of his cat, Mr. Nutters.
“I’m just so upset,” said one chemistry major. “You expect this kind of thing from Harvard, but you’d never expect it to happen here.”
(In a similar incident last year, two border collies in a rain coat were found to have been teaching a constitutional law class at Harvard.)
When Suffolk Police searched the professor’s office, they found a partially eaten oatmeal cookie, a Dora the Explorer coloring book, and a spittle-covered stuffed dinosaur. While Ms. Explorer is not believed to have any connection to the case, the cookie has been taken into custody.
While authorities continue to search for Vincent, several students reportedly saw him on Friday, riding away from campus on a red and orange Big Wheel. Suffolk police say to contact them immediately if they see Vincent, and that they should under no circumstances offer him chocolate milk.
Some have raised the question of whether other Suffolk employees might also be young children. When The Voice asked a Suffolk official about these concerns, she responded by sticking her tongue out and hiding in the pillow fort she’d constructed in her office.
Happy April Fool’s Day from The Suffolk Voice!