Suffolk University Athletics Adding New Teams, Activities
That’s right, Suffolk’s getting a football team! The moment you’ve been waiting for is here. No longer will you receive glares of disdain from fellow collegiate friends and family, no longer will you wonder what exactly it feels like to have school spirit, and, that’s right, all you potential Suffolk football stars out there finally have your chance to join the big kids and play some college football.
In addition to the new football team, Suffolk University will begin construction of a university football field in the corner of the Public Garden near the Boston Common. The project is anticipated to be completed by fall of next year, leaving time for a series of tryouts beginning this summer. Stay posted for updates concerning tryout dates and construction work beginning around campus.
But it doesn’t stop there, athletics just might become one of Suffolk University’s new top priorities. Suffolk will be adding multiple new sports teams to facilitate the growing Suffolk University community. By popular demand, sports teams such as field hockey, slow pitch softball, squash, water polo, synchronized water polo, slow-pitch water polo, slaps, and basket weaving will be added, as they most closely illustrate and represent our school’s level of aspiration. President McCarthy is more than thrilled at the addition of these new teams, claiming that not only will they add some flair and pride to Suffolk University, but connect all schools within the Suffolk community by a neat little process called ‘The Reaping.’
Yes, since so many students were complaining about the lack of connection between NESAD, Sawyer Business School, Suffolk Law School, and the College of Arts and Sciences, President McCarthy has issued a draft of sorts, somewhat similar to the lottery process of Open Room Selection or Group Selection for the residence halls next year. With the assistance of the RA’s and SUPD, Suffolk University will now enforce a process to get lazy, unmotivated, lethargic students to stop whining about lack of school spirit by actually participating in events such as athletics.
Thus, effective Fall 2013, ‘The Reaping’ will automatically select via lottery number a male and female tributes from each school to battle in the Boston Commons against thirty of the city’s top hobos. These ‘Hobo Games’ as many are now speculating, will not only increase athletic participation through (mandatory) games of baseball, soccer, and pedestrian harassment, but also include some more physically demanding activities, such as the finale — a battle to the death against the city’s undisputed top hobo, Spare Change Guy, in which the contestant actually does have spare change and must try not to jingle as they outrun the city’s most beloved homeless man.
However, there can only be one victor after all, whose prize will be a free ticket to transfer to any school of their choice. The losers, besides the fact that they will be publicly shamed forever, also have to become homeless and wander aimlessly through the Public Garden for the rest of their college careers (even though many do this anyway, at least now we will feel connected with school spirit as we publicly mock them for their failure).
It’s safe to say now that no one will be making fun of Suffolk University for our lack of athletics, especially after they see us with whaling tools and crossbows running through the Public Garden. Students adorned in Blue and Gold will chant as their fellow classmates get mugged by threatening fifty-somethings wearing generic Boston shirts and yelling obscenities at pigeons…school spirit at it’s best!
And who needs March Madness? ‘The Hobo Games’ are clearly more demanding and a pep rally of epic proportions. So, push rivalry to the side, no longer practice segregation between schools, may every CAS student join hands with a student of Suffolk Law, every Sawyer Business scholar cheer on their NESAD brethren. Suffolk University is finally going to possess school spirit, finally going to feel the rush of unison in college athletics, and finally going to stand out above all other Boston colleges, even reign over the hobos.