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Suffolk loses Oprah bid for commencement, chooses Derne St. Deli owners instead

After Harvard University snagged Oprah as their commencement speaker, Suffolk scrambled to find other options — but they didn’t have to look very far. In fact, Suffolk’s Board of Trustees didn’t even leave their office when it came to the decision, since it was lunchtime, they just pointed out the window at the first restaurant they saw.

“We looked outside and could see someone carrying six boxes of pizza out the door. That’s when we knew,” said trustee Joe Kerr. “I mean, there’s the “successful business in an expensive neighborhood that survived a bad economy” message going on, but we just really wanted lunch.”

Administration is also planning on feeding the faculty, students and their parents during the ceremony in an attempt to keep everyone more attentive. Keeping the faculty attentive is a main concern for Suffolk’s administration, since many were seen dozing off before students with last names starting with C were called last year.

“It’s perfect, we’ll even serve pizza at graduation to keep students from leaving the ceremony after their name is called,” said trustee I.D. Clair. “They somehow managed to make it four years here while paying obscene amounts of money, what’s four more hours?”

The owners have not yet been made aware that they are speaking at graduation nor has Suffolk put in their food order, the restaurant said.

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