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Bruins Acquire Crosby, Malkin, and Letang

crosbyIn a blockbuster surprise trade of the century, General Managers Ray Shero of the Pittsburgh Penguins and Peter Chiarelli of the Boston Bruins have announced a trade of epic proportions. News broke out via telegraph and was announced by a rider on horseback.

According to the decree, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, James Neal, and Kris Letang will join the Black and Gold, while the Pens will receive a game-worn Tim Thomas jersey, a signed poster of New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan, and a North End cannoli from a restaurant to be named later.

This all comes on the heels of the Jarome Iginla ordeal — where Iggy chose to play for the Pens, rather than the much better Bruins.

“Shero felt terrible that Iginla chose the Penguins over Boston,” said a source who claimed to have overheard a conversation. “As soon as [Iginla] landed in Pittsburgh, Shero knew he had to make things right.”

Many NHL analysts said that this trade benefits the Bruins, and Las Vegas was quick to slot the B’s as new Stanley Cup Champions, rather than the Pens.

Fans around Boston were seen dancing in the streets last night after the news broke out. “This is the greatest day of my life,” said John Smith, a professional pigeon wrestler.

“I. I believe. I believe that we. I believe that we will win. I believe that we will win,” said a man yelling at passing cars on Congress Street.

Next up for the Bruins, they will look to acquire Big Bubba Watson, goalie for the Tri-City Squid Squadders in the Men’s Pickup League (MPL). Watson, who is 6’7”, 550 lbs. made 13 saves Thursday night in a shutout victory versus the Boston Crossing Guards.

For updates on all fictional stories just for today, stay tuned to The Suffolk Voice. Happy April Fool’s, y’all.

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