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As church celebrates Easter, Pope Francis enacts radical changes

popeIt turns out the opinions of non-Catholics actually do matter in relation to the church they don’t belong to. After Pope Benedict’s startling resignation, there were clamors from all corners of the internet that the new pope would change church teachings. It has been clear that sacred doctrines and dogmas of the church have simply been made up and are not divinely inspired, so therefore the pope has always had it in his power to change them.

“Pope Francis believes that secular bloggers and pundits raise valid points about how outdated the church is. Though it has been around for the past 2,000 years, outliving secular opinions, dictators, and oppressive regimes, it’s time the church got with the times,” a Vatican spokesperson said.

“Abortion and birth control are now perfectly ok!” the spokesperson continued cheerfully. “Pope Francis doesn’t hate women like all those old dirty men popes before him. He no longer believes in the silly scientific ‘fact’ that human life begins at conception and that all life is sacred and worth saving, from birth until natural death.”

Though people still use birth control and procure abortions whether or not the pope is against it, this should make most Catholics happy. Finally, the church that Jesus Christ founded is bending to their will.

“The Vatican will also be selling off priceless art,” the spokesperson revealed. “It turns out all those atheist and reddit memes were right. Selling off the Vatican will actually solve global poverty, the same way these atheists do by making these memes in the first place.”

The spokesperson was asked if the Vatican would also accept science. Although the church has had a history of scientific discovery and support (the Big Bang theory was thought up by Jesuit priest Georges Lemaitre), he enthusiastically said the Vatican would indeed accept science. “Before, we put forth the idea that religion and science are compatible, that to believe in God does not mean that one rejects evolution. Pope Francis is doing away with all that. God definitely does not exist, and there’s no way one can be a Christian and accept scientific facts.”

When asked about the pressing issue of same sex marriage and LGBT rights, the spokesperson became churlish. “Screw ‘em,” he said simply. “Most Catholics and the pope actually do have a deep seated hatred for gay people, so there will be no support for gay rights. Gay people are not getting into heaven and that’s final, even if they happen to be just as chaste as their heterosexual counterparts. They can get married, I guess, but they’re still icky. We encourage Catholics everywhere to treat their LGBT brothers and sisters as undignified animals.”

And how about those women priests?

“Of course! Women have long been oppressed by the church. If there was a God, we’re sure he would hate women. After all, why else would he choose a young girl as a way for him to become human on Earth? Why afford such an honorable place to Mary, the mother of God? Women don’t have valuable roles within the church. Being a priest is where it’s at! If some women want to be loser nuns or moms, they still can, but priests are clearly superior.”

Former pope Benedict was reached for comment about these surprising updates. When asked about Francis’ changes, he simply shrugged. “Not my problem, homie.” Then he swerved on ‘em in his Mercedes Benz.

Opinions among Catholics are mixed. We will continue to follow this story.

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