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Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Boner? And other Republican Jokes

orange-juice-boehnerDid anyone see the speech John Boehner made regarding the Sequester?

To be completely honest I did not listen to much of what he had to say, not that there was substance to it.  Instead I found myself entranced by the striking resemblance Boehner (affectionately, Boner) increasingly bears to one of Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas.  In case you’ve yet to notice, Speaker Boner is orange…not tan, ORANGE.  His skin is a shade so unnatural for human flesh that when he stands in front of the American flag to speak, he almost blends with the red stripes.

And worse than that, his coloring only seems to be getting more artificial. What started out as a presumable golf tan, he acquired while hard at work for our country, now looks like a full-blown addiction to a Jersey Shore tanning salon.

But he still stands there, taking himself and the garbage pouring out of his leathery wrinkled mouth completely, seriously.

Republicans were once considered to be the party of fiscal integrity, patriotism and the American Dream.  It’s crucial to note, however, that this was at a time when the American Dream consisted of the man at work, the woman in the kitchen, and homosexuals in the closet.  The world has changed a lot since those days, and with it’s evolution has come the emergence of the Republican party’s true colors…of course, starting with the denial of evolution. It seems as if the GOP is stuck in its golden age, holding on to the societal norms and constructs of a time where the most a woman could aspire to was being a secretary, and with separate bathrooms for blacks and whites.

The GOP is manifesting itself into a big joke, comprised of course of smaller, minion jokes. The comments, decisions, and appearances of John Boehner and his constituents are making it hard to decipher them from the parodies they are portrayed in weekly on Saturday Night Live. In fact, much of what Republicans put out today needs little to no tweaking to fit into a script designed usually to exaggerate. It is tailor-made for jokes, because to the average person with a functioning brain and conscience, it is a joke.

But instead, right-wingers look more like caricatures of themselves — not real politicians — with each passing debt crisis and bill proposals. And due to the unfortunate truth that people like Boehner run part of our government, sometimes the joke is on us.

Currently, the Supreme Court is in negotiations regarding overturning the Voting Rights Act, which came about in the height of the Civil Rights movement to prevent certain states and municipalities in which racism and in turn voter discrimination were epidemic from changing their voting laws. It requires new voting laws or changes in already existing voting laws in these states to be approved of by a federal court. Those in favor of overturning the act argue these states and municipalities, most of them southern and conservative no longer need such provisions, that the days of such rampant discrimination are over, and that racism is no longer greater in these areas than anywhere else in the country.

However, New York Times columnist, Charles Blow pointed out in his column from February 27, that between 1982 and 2006 the Voting Rights Act struck down over 1,000 proposals, and that if anything the Act could use to be expanded. If the climate of the past election was any indication as to how far this country has come in terms of voter discrimination, the prospects are grim. Florida, which is not covered by the Voting Rights Act became the poster child for voter suppression, and right-wing organizations set out to block certain groups form voting fanned out throughout the country, staking their posts at polls nationwide.

The need for the Voting Rights Act should not even be on the table. It was put in place to ensure the rights of American citizens, a platform that should be universal whether you are right of left wing. Furthermore, I would ask why these States are so fixated on acting without the approval of the Federal government. Unless they are looking to implement policies unsatisfactory on the human rights front, any movement they make to change the way voting is handled in their regions should be worthy of clearance by a higher court, so a secondary check should be moot.

Their push to change voting laws away from a watching eye illuminates their foul intentions all the more.

Safeguarding defense spending has long been a platform for the Right to stand on. This past Friday the country finally stepped on one of its pre-laid landmines; the Sequester, which had been set up with consequences so detrimental the assumption was that no level of partisanship could get in the way of derailing negotiations. On Friday we watched as Congress closed up shop early though, no deal in sight, and leaving the country hurling toward a series of devastating budget cuts. Along with a series of cuts to social aid programs, defense spending bore the brunt of the government’s failure. In an effort to protect the wealthy from a series of tax increases, which Obama put on the table in return for compromises he offered on his agenda at a 2:1 ratio, Republicans cried no deal, thus setting off a series of cuts and layoffs including many to their beloved military.

For four years we listened to George Bush mispronounce “nuclear,” a word so relevant to his presidency it is still to this day unthinkable as to how nobody–not Colin Powell, not Barbara, not the guy at his local Dunkin Donuts–corrected him.  For today’s Republican Party, someone mispronouncing a word would be a Godsend. It could distract us from the use of terms like “legitimate rape”  or the fact that members of their party voted down the Lily Ledbetter Act, which supports the “radical” notion that women deserve equal pay.

Jokes about Republicans must write themselves. Aside from the philosophically antiquated views the party upholds in their policy-making, their behavior lately is down right ridiculous. Cue up the video of Marco Rubio’s response to Obama’s State of the Union and you’ll see what I mean. Between the awkward gulping and his rapid fire maneuver to get a sip of water, which he executed as if the rate of speed he moved at impacted the visibility of his action, news parodies like the Daily Show and the Colbert Report merely had to show the footage to conjure a laugh from the audience.

The Republicans are in time-warp. They are stuck era when the social policies they are pushing for today (i.e. their vehement efforts to strike down the Violence Against Women Act, which thankfully passed this week with overwhelming support from Democrats and only tepid support from Republicans,) were relevant.  They are essentially the kids on the playground still playing with pet rocks when everyone else has a Furby. And like those kids, everyone sees how ridiculous they look, except for themselves.

They are a lineup of people with faces only their mothers could love, except in the case of  The GOP, instead of mothers they have their ever-faithful constituency. While they bask in the support and love of their billionaire, bible-thumping, racist, homophobic– don’t forget sexist fan base–the cool kids point their fingers and laugh. Because that’s what you do at a joke.

from changing their voting laws.

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